Monday, June 4, 2012

The War Raging Inside My Mind: First Person vs. Second Person

I have found myself in a state of transition.  What I used to let define me no longer does.  Always feeling like there was more to this life but never quite knowing how to obtain it.  Realizing at how compartmentalized I have allowed my life to become.  Finding myself so engulfed in my own little world forgetting about other places and more importantly, other people around me.  Coming to the acceptance of my divine appointment and getting a clearer picture of what that looks like.

It's hard to say what hurts more...

Watching a loved one battle an illness that eventually takes her life OR watching her husband ache over her indefinite absence.

Longing for community OR realizing the community around you has missed the mark entirely.

Remembering the path you once walked and the growth spurts along the way OR realizing the journey you are now on may involve steps of faith, many of which may involve you walking alone.

It's hard to say what's more challenging...

Being careful to not criticize others while remembering you once made similarly poor decisions.

Wanting more from this journey knowing you were created for such a time as this while needing support from others in your endeavors.

Becoming disappointed when others don't share the same enthusiasm or vision while being grateful for the ones God has put in your life to hold your hand along the way.

Allowing yourself to not become upset with others for seeming not to care or simply forgetting while remembering the world doesn't revolve around you.

Yes, these unsettling feelings, this unique transition, I know is entirely authored by God.  I know because if it were left up to me, I would choose apathy and complacency.  The decision is not up to me.  I forfeited that right when I asked the Lord to lead my life.  So for now, I wait with expectancy, urgency and a little bit of frustration.  But, I remember how Psalm 139 soothes.

You have searched me, Lord, and you know.  You know when I sit and when I rise.  You perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down.  You are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue, You Lord, know it completely.  You hem me in behind and before and you lay your hand upon me.

What relief there is in knowing your Creator knows you!  Without that, it'd just be you alone with your thoughts.  And although that is often how it feels - lonely - remember you are NOT.  Your time is coming.  It's time to fulfill your mission.  Come, Lord!

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