And so the saying goes...
I take two steps forward and three steps back.
That seems to be the theme of my life lately. For every wonderful thing that comes my way, it is usually followed with two whopping doses of reality. And isn't it just like us to focus on the negative things that happen as if we have forgotten all of the glorious things that God has put in our lives?! It's easier and dare I say...it even feels better sometimes...to fixate on the junk.
Life feels like riding a pendulum. I can almost visualize it in my mind. I hop on the pendulum of life, wrap my legs around it as if it were a swinging tire and hold on tight. Some days I'm stationary, not moving from one side or the other. I'm just still, complacent, non-responsive. Other days, I take a giant swing forward and fight my way in trying to stay there without swinging back. These are those moments where I experience the presence of God. It's not a feeling, it's a state of mind. Sometimes my flesh responds...perhaps through goose bumps, tears of joy, shouts of laughter. Then there are the darker days where my swing hovers in the background as if it is being pulled back by magnetic force. These are the days where I swim around in my self pity pool. These are the days where I hate myself, I doubt myself, I scream at myself. This is where fear blows in along with frustration, selfishness, and pride.
No one wears me out more than myself. No one hates me more than I hate myself. No one gets how I've disappointed others more than myself. I don't need any enemies (although I'm sure I have some). I am my own worst enemy. No one suffers more than I do because of me. But you see? How many times did I use the words me, I, myself? Even our self-loathing is still rooted in self. Selfishness is a tricky thing. Even when we're feeling sorry for ourselves, we're still wallowing around in self. Every bit of that pendulum ride...swinging from "I got this. Life is good. Look at me," to "I can't do anything right. No one likes me. I am worthless," - every bit of that ride is rooted in me, myself and I.
Life is a pendulum. And how we choose to ride it does matter and will impact our life greatly. I wonder which side you find yourself on today. I think, for me, I'm gonna jump off and let Jesus jump on. I think riding on his shoulders gives me a better view, gives me a better perspective. We are here for just a short amount of time. Some of you understand that better than others. What we do in this moment, in this brief space of time, impacts what happens after it's gone.
I can't speak for you, but I know for me, I want to spend as much time as I can riding on the shoulders of Jesus. Won't you join me? He has room for us all.