It is 4:51 a.m. and I am wide awake. As much as I would like to attribute my insomnia to pregnancy, I just know better. I have learned that when I have trouble sleeping...similar to the trouble I've been having tonight...I have learned that the Lord is trying to get my attention. I know that sounds silly to some, but tonight's insomnia is different. It is not related to oversleeping or caffeine. I'm up because I am suppose to be up. It has been divinely orchestrated. I am suffering from Divine Insomnia. And here's why...
For a while now, there has been a part of my life that I have kept to myself. A part of my heart, if you will, where I have denied access to anyone who was anybody to have any kind of say-so in this area of my life. It is nearly 5 a.m. so, if this isn't making much sense so far, you can understand why. What I'm trying to say is...there has been a part of my life that I have left completely UN-surrendered to God. He's tried to speak to me about this part of my heart and any instruction He's tried to pass my way, I have either turned a deaf ear to it OR have completely and outright disobeyed any directions He's given me in regards to it...IT being this area in my life.
All night, I've been tossing and turning. I can't tell you how many trips to the bathroom I've had to take...yes, I am pregnant, but I do believe this was part of His plan for me tonight. When I did finally doze off, I was awakened with a cough I couldn't seem to get under control which caused me to get out of bed, come into the living room, and get in an upright position so I could catch my breath. Yeah, that bad. When I finally went back to sleep (on the couch) after that, my 4-year-old woke me up crying with a random double eye infection. Once I got him settled down, I tried to settle myself down, but failed...epically. I dragged myself out of bed. Again. Came BACK into the living room and finally got the message. I realized, finally, why I was up. After some prayer, some repenting, and some good ol' Bible reading...here I am. Talking to you.
I'm tired of fighting, y'all. This "area" of my life has had me gripped in anger, hostility, resentment, and bitterness for too many months now. And I'm just plain tired. The Lord was tired of fighting me, too. I'm so thankful He didn't give up on me. He knew I had wasted too much energy lately, and I believe He was ready to set me free from all of this. Sometimes, we just have to let things go. And let me be the first to tell you...this "area," this little situation I've been referring to all this time is NOT even resolved. Oh no, the people involved are still the same. The set of circumstances are ALL still the same. The very awkward environment that surrounds this thing is...you guessed it...the SAME. But here's the best part...I'm NOT. No, I am NOT the same person I was about 20 minutes ago. I am no longer holding onto the negative force that has been bringing me down (and other important loved ones around me too) for all this time. I am FREE!!
What about you? What are you still holding onto? Is there an "area" of your life that you have just refused to let go and let God? Why? Why keep fighting it? What if you're like me? What if you're situation never changes? It may never change. But you can. Your God is waiting for you to surrender so He can change you into the Beloved Child of God He has always wanted you to become. And by holding onto to negativity in your life, what good does that do ya? In the words of Dr. Phil..."How's that working out for ya?" Sometimes, we just have to let things go. When we don't, we turn into these things that God never intended us to be. That was me. Just 20 minutes ago. This thing...this thing that I was too exhausted to be anymore.
I feel better already. Now, maybe I can get some sleep. You should, as well. It's time. Time for you to rest. Rest. Rest in the Lord. Let Him fight your battle. You need only to be still.
"I will sprinkle clean water on you and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." -Ezekiel 36:25-26
Go and rest, sweet friends.