As a girl, I found junior high to be especially difficult, and I don't mean from an academic standpoint. The loss of innocence coupled with puberty equaled a whopping dose of insecurity. My mother swore, with time, things would get better. And they did, truth be told. But the insecurity? It really hasn't left me alone since then.
As I approach my 35th birthday, I find myself weary from the torture brought on by insecurity. In fact, I believe I've suffered more with insecurity in my 30s than my junior high, high school and college years combined. So many things are wonderful about becoming a wife, a mother, and a grown-up. But none of those roles come without torment from insecurity.
As I wrestled with these thoughts on the last day of 2012, I asked the Lord this...
Father, please help me to become the better part of who You made in me. Help me to embrace her warmly and to not make apologies for the good parts of who I am.
It's hard for us girls to accept the good part of who we are. Depending on your path in life, this may be downright impossible for you to accept. Rejection, unworthiness, nonacceptance are just a few of the ghosts that haunt the hallways of my mind. I don't know about y'all, but I am ready to exorcise the demons. With the Lord's help, I can. You can. We can!!
This, of course, doesn't mean life will be easier. Just last night, I had a personal set-back that completely rocked my little world. I was heart broken and overcome with emotion. But this morning, as I sipped my coffee in an effort to wake up, the Lord reminded me of a song I once loved years and years ago. The lyrics are listed below. They are short and simple. As I wrestled with sadness and insecurity, the Lord sang over me. Here were His words...
When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But I'm still hurting,
Wondering if I'll ever be
The one I think I am.
I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That you've made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.
Who you are...
And all I ever have to be
Is what you've made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.
As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what you've made me
(All I Ever Have To Be by Amy Grant)
I pray you find comfort in these words. It's easy to make things more difficult than they are. All you have to be is what God has made you to be. This year, ask Him to do just that. And as He does, don't shoo away the gifts, the talents, the abilities He's made within you. Embrace them warmly and make the best use of them. That's all He asks. Just be who He made you.
Happy New Year,