Recently, I have been real infatuated with myself. Lately, I've been real stuck on me. It's just been a matter of days, maybe more than a few days, where I have found myself really thinking about me and what I need, what I want and what is owed to me. I've been so smitten with myself lately that I've given little to no regard to those around me...haven't really even cared recently how my decisions, my mood, or my attitude has impacted others. While in the moment, it felt kind of good to roll around in my own selfishness. But I am realizing now how short-lived it all was.
Now? Now, I'm really sick of myself. Seriously, I am making my own self sick. Really, I didn't know how unattractive all of this self-full-ness looks. I'm actually nauseated. And for that, I am thankful.
I am full of many faults. But two of my biggest battles I face in the flesh are 1)selfishness and 2) moodiness. I've battled these two demons for as long as I can remember. And while I realize the Lord has brought me a long way, this week couldn't have served as a better reminder of just how far I still have to go. I remember one day in particular, I found myself being really annoyed at the energy it takes to love on other people...especially people who can be so un-lovable at times. You know what kind of people I'm talking about? Those people Rick Warren so accurately described in his book The Purpose Driven Life. People known as EGRs...Extra Grace Required. I found myself being selective with these EGRs in my life as to how much love I thought they deserved from me. I also found myself deciding not only how much love to give them, but how much time and energy I should give them, as well. I mean, it is MY life, right? Don't I get to make the call on who I allow in and out of my life? Don't I have a say in who I love and want to be friends with? Here is how the Lord answered me the other morning when I was asking Him these questions..."Ugh - NO!! No, Lindsey, you don't. But I do. Period."
The Lord helped me realize that He could have restricted His love to His 12 disciples. He could've decided to invest His time and energy in their lives, exclusively. But He didn't do that. He gave His love to the entire world and still does to this day. More than that, He has never limited the love He's given to me. He's never once put any kind of restriction on the love, grace, forgiveness, and patience He's given me throughout the years of my life. So, who am I to restrict my love? Just who do I think I am? I have no right. Nor, will I ever have that right as long as I call myself a follower of Christ. Love is at the heart of who Christ is.
Each day, the Lord pours His love and blessings upon my life. And even though there are many reasons why I should love others, the fact that He loves me SHOULD and IS enough reason by itself. It's not easy for me to admit these two boogers of faults in my life. It's, honestly, quite embarrassing. But one passage of Scripture stands out in my mind that helps me get over my shame. Second Corinthians 12:9 says, "And he has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." Ultimately, that is what I want more than anything...for Christ's power to dwell in me.
Now, my second issue...my moodiness. Well, I will have to tackle that another day. As for today, I have some repenting to do. After that, I plan to kick my own butt. Yea, it's true. I sure love me some ME. But today, I choose Jesus over self. I sure love me some Jesus. Now THAT sounds (and feels) much better.